The Blueprint for Underachievement

How would you like to know the secrets of an unbelievably unproductive, miserable, frustrating day, week, month, or year?

Well, I got you!

Here are 21 things you must do to be your most unproductive self.

But if you’d be productive, happy, and fulfilling, I’ve got you covered too!

Let’s do this!

• Stay in REactive mode. Being proactive is for the strong.
• Subscribe to as many newsletters as you can. The goal: clog up your inbox. Make a game of how many unread emails you can get. Invite your friends!
• Encourage people in your office to always CC you, even on emails unrelated to you.
• Don’t plan. Delete that calendar app you love and throw away your paper planner. Remember, stay in REactive mode.
• Say yes to every request you get. It doesn’t matter what the request is; say yes!
• See how many YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, or other videos you can watch in one sitting. Again, make a game of it and invite your friends.
• When composing emails, be very vague. Ramble on and on and on. The goal here is to get the person you’re emailing to reply and ask for clarification. But remember, when you answer, to be vague. Avoid getting to the point as much as possible.
• Ask your boss if you can move your office closer to a high-traffic area so people can stop by every day to chat about nonsense.
• Drink massive amounts of caffeine, especially before bed.
• Screen time! Be on your devices for as long as you can keep your eyes open. Blue light is not your enemy. Besides, blue is a nice color. Why is everyone hatin’ on blue light?
• Overthink everything.
• Take everything personally.
• Gossip!
• You can still get in shape. How does a pear sound?
• Advertisers spend A LOT of money dreaming up and creating these commercials, so do them a solid and watch every single one!
• You can sleep when you’re dead. Waste no time with this ridiculous activity. Your body doesn’t need to rest!
• Surround yourself with negative people.
• Stop exercising.
• Watch TV. In real-time. With commercials.
• Remember that learning is for chumps.
• Eat as unhealthy as possible to ensure you have no energy because of your fat new body. Skip the veggies, fruits, or anything even remotely healthy—two words: PROCESSED FOODS. Eat out at fast-food restaurants for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Ensure you have lots of crap to eat and drink in your house.
• Now I hope you got a good laugh at this.

But if you want to have a productive, happy, and fulfilling year, do the EXACT OPPOSITE:

• Be PROactive
• Control who has access to your email inbox. Embrace the power of unsubscribing.
• If someone CCs you on an email you shouldn’t be on, educate them (professionally, of course)
• Always have a plan. Whether you use an electronic or a print calendar doesn’t matter. Just use one (and only one).
• Be very protective of your yeses. Let your no be no.
• Say no to YouTube and all social media unless you plan for it.
• When composing emails, get to the point, and stick to the point. The goal is to avoid emailing back and forth.
• If your office is in a high-traffic area, see if you can move your office.
• Stop caffeine. Embrace water.
• Watch your screen time! Especially close to bedtime. Read a print book instead. Social media can wait.
• Stop thinking; start doing.
• Understand that life happens, and you’ll have to let things slide.
• Embrace positivity. No gossiping.
• Exercise. Move. Every day.
• You can watch TV but do it intentionally (watch no commercials).
• Get 7-9 hours of sleep every night.
• Believe in yourself. You can do this.
• Have a goal to learn. Every. Single. Day.
• Be more tolerant.
• Eat healthily.

Your turn

How do you maintain your productivity?